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INCEST

I'm not exactly sure when it all began, for some reason I feel it was before I was seven or eight years of age. My brother was 6 years older than me. At first it started with only a little touching and looking. Then as the years went by, he began touching in more private spots. Then he began rubbing his body parts against mine and going further. I thought, no I knew, it was wrong. And it made me feel very dirty. I wanted to stop it, but I was afraid that he would start doing it to my younger sisters. (Which sadly I found out later that he was touching them also.) So I continued on. It went on till my mid to late teen years.

I had no one I could talk to about this. My parents and I never had a close enough relationship that I would have felt safe going to them. And I knew that none of my other sisters would believe me. (At least that is what I thought. Found out differently many years later.) I was afraid if I mentioned this to any of my friends they would have stopped talking to me. They would have thought I was a freak and very sick. So I told no one.

A couple of my brother-in-laws also were touching me the same way. I didn't want to do it. However, I was afraid if I didn't they wouldn't let me come over to my sisters homes. And that was the only way that I could escape my parents. And since I didn't like my parents, I needed to escape as often as possible. So I figured it was a small price to pay to get away from the hell I called home. But I always felt dirty and sick to my stomach when they would touch me. (Many years later, I found out that one of my sisters even knew it was happening, but she did nothing to stop it. He wouldn't bother her that night then.)

I never knew, or ever heard of anyone else ever doing this. I had never heard of the word "Incest", and never had heard that it was not just happening to me. So I didn't know that there was help for what was happening to me. Finally I figured that this was my life - and all I was wanted in life for was sex. And my many male friends always found a way to reassure me that that was all I was good for. One boy told me that I had the greatest looking body in the whole school - But I also had the ugliest face. So that proved it to me. I was only good as a sexual toy, there were no other positive qualities about me.

DATE RAPE

Finally, I was 18. I was legal to drink. I was old enough to go out at nights. And I had learned many ways to get out of my house. I met a guy in a bar. (Typical I realize.) We started hanging out more and I began to call him my boyfriend. One night I went over to his apartment to celebrate another friends birthday. Needless to say, I got plastered. It finally got so bad that I told my boyfriend that I needed to lie down. He helped me out of the bathroom and helped me to his bed. I lied down and was in a state of almost paralysis.

I kept telling him the whole night that I was unable to have any form of sex that night. He kept assuring me that it was alright and that he wasn't looking for anything that night. Boy, was I ever stupid and naive. Anyhow, after he lied me down he walked out. I thought how sweet of him for being so understanding. Moments later, he returned. He took off my clothes and began to take me. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight him off, I couldn't cry - I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING but lay there and live through the hell that was happening to me.

Finally he finished, and left the room. I fell asleep almost instantly. A couple of hours later, I woke up and his friend was kind enough to take me home. I never talked to him or his friend that night. However, I did share this incident with my girl-friend. We never told anyone else. Mainly, cause I didn't know what had happened. I didn't know that what he had done was called "Date Rape". But I knew that I couldn't report it cause then my parents would find out. And I never... EVER wanted them to find out. I was already useless enough to them. This would only give them the proof that I really was. And I couldn't deal with them having that proof.

So I lived with it. All kept deep inside of myself. Getting more and more depressed year after year. All this uselessness inside of me. Finally, when I was pregnant with my last child, the depression took over. And it was while I was in a support group for dealing with my abusive tendencies, that I finally broke down crying. And admitted everything out loud. Shortly after this I spent lots of time in different hospitals on the psychiatric floor. It was with their help that I was able to finally tell certain members in my family of what had happened. All those years of sexual abuse. All those years of feeling totally alone. All those years of feeling totally useless. Finally now able to talk about it. Finally able to work through the anger and frustration, fear and resentment. My mother's reaction was "Don't say anything to your Father. He would not be able to deal with it". It took many years before I could confront my brother. And I never will be able to press charges on that so called boyfriend.

But I have lived through it. I have fought my way back and I have overcome the horrible anguish. In other words: I SURVIVED IT!!! I am now an Incest/Rape Survivor. And if there is any way possible that I can help others become Survivors - Then this trial in my past could become a helpful stepping stone.

If you are like me in this way. If you just want to come to grips and become a Survivor. Then reach out your hand. I am willing to grab that hand and help to pull you out of your own private and personal hell!!! And when you are stronger - perhaps you, too, will grab the hand of another person wanting to be a survivor. It won't be an easy road. There will be lots of pain from the memories! There will be tons of anger! But others out there are survivors like myself. And I know that YOU can be also!!!!